What Happened to Your Great Relationship?

 Relationships, Sensuality & Sexuality  1 Response »
Feb 262010
 

A common question I hear from clients is how do I get my partner to be more attentive.

Ultimately men and women have the same wants and desires from their partner.

We all want to feel special, desired, and accepted.

After a relationship has become established and the new excitement wears off, we tend to get into a rut and become less attentive towards our partner. It’s to be expected that the newness will wear off. It happens to the best of us. We are over stressed, over worked and we stop putting our relationship and partner as a top priority. It’s certainly easier to succumb to the daily stressors and the exhaustion then to give your partner loving attention and intimacy.

In fact, you frequently hear men talking about how they feel nagged all the time by their wife or girlfriend. Nagging is focusing on the negative and verbalizing it in a judgmental way. The person who nags is looking for their partner to do something different which will make them feel good. With nagging, you will actually get the opposite of what you desire. The natural response is a defensive reaction. You will feel it as resistance from your partner. No one likes to be told to do something.

We all would like our partner to show us that they care.

Many times we wait for them to take the initiative and do nice things to make us feel desired, special, and appreciated before we return the favor. This creates a potentially destructive and vicious cycle that can eventually lead to built up resentments.

If not tended to, this destructive pattern can eventually lead to emotional and/or physical infidelities.

Frequently affairs are initiated by men and women who no longer feel desired or appreciated by their partner. A man needs to feel successful in his relationship. This includes mentally, emotionally and sexually. He wants to feel desired and know that he makes you happy.

Women on the other hand want to feel loved and appreciated. When infidelity occurs; instead of turning to their partner and dealing with the challenges; the unfaithful partner looks to someone who will make them feel special.

An affair offers strong validation and reinforcement through feelings of success and desirability for the unfaithful partner. This is what makes having and continuing an affair so enticing.

The good news is that it only takes one of you to have a significant impact on this destructive cycle.

The work of a successful and fulfilling relationship is continuing to create that excitement you shared in the beginning with your partner. When you first met your partner you probably found yourself having all the energy in the world to spend time getting to know them, trying new things and having some frisky fun. That excitement will return if you are willing to do the work.

If your relationship doesn’t feel the way you want it to, ask yourself if you think your partner feels successful and appreciated? If not, identify one small thing you can do to start creating a more positive experience for your partner.

Be the partner you want your partner to become.

Focus on changing your own thoughts and behaviors. Start noticing your partner’s positives.

Appreciate your partner, even if you have to start very small. Once positively reinforced by your recognition, he or she will want to reciprocate more to make you happy. This will help turn that cycle around.

Finally, don’t rely on your partner to make you feel good.

Do things to nurture yourself. The Goddess Next Door recognizes that there is a Goddess in every woman. It’s important as women to reconnect with our feminine side. Enjoy nurturing yourself like the Goddess you are.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Tied Up & Blindfolded

 Ask The Goddess, Relationships, Sensuality & Sexuality  1 Response »
Jan 262010
 

Q. My boyfriend wants to tie me up and blindfold me but isn’t that kinky? ~Jen B.

A. Sure some consider this to be kinky, but what’s wrong with kinky?  My theory is if you enjoy it and no one is being forced into anything they don’t want to do, then go for it.  There are a lot of things that people consider kinky until they try them and realize it was more the fear of the unknown.  If you do some research, you’ll learn that being tied up and blindfolded by your partner is mild on the BDSM continuum.  The most important factor is that you and your partner have developed a level of trust where you feel comfortable giving up some control.  Without trust, you are not likely to have a pleasurable experience.  If my partner wouldn’t let me do the same thing to him, I would give some hesitation before saying yes.

So with that said, there are fantastic reasons to play with restraints and blindfolds.  First off, when you are restricted from using your body, all focus becomes about your pleasure in the moment.  It puts you in a position to simply receive whatever your partner offers.  This can be playful tickling with a feather, a sensual massage, a naughty little spanking, or oral pleasure from head to toe.  When one gives up control and can relax into the experience, pleasure becomes more of a full body experience.

Using a blindfold in lovemaking play involves a high level of  trust.  By removing the sense of sight, the sensitivity of your other senses, smell, taste, touch, and hearing, will increase and become more acute.  When you aren’t able to see what will happen next, your anticipation increases and as you begin to use those other senses, your sensitivity and the pleasure you receive becomes amplified.  Touch especially will become much more errogenous.  How fun is that!  Another benefit with any type of play where you let go of control is it can strengthen your relationship and deepen both intimacy and trust between you and  your partner.  What an amazing gift to give yourself.

Before you begin, create a safe word with your partner that either of you can say to stop the play activity.  The word means everyone has to stop what they are doing.  This is a general rule with BDSM activities because sometimes in role playing and fantasy, participants may be acting out, resisting a partner.  The fantasy acting can include words like NO and Stop, which is why it is important to make the safe word something out of the ordinary and non-sexual.  Words like blueberry, car, or green are easy safe words.  They may sound silly now, but will be very clear in the moment if anyone is feeling uncomfortable about anything and wants to stop.

What do you use to tie each other up?  Use your imagination. Do you have any nylons or stockings? Does he have any business ties? Pick up yourself  some fun furry cuffs and satin blindfolds. Consider getting yourself some playful accessories and attire to make your partner squirm and squeal with delight.  In our online shop, you will find tickling feathers, delicious smelling massage products and even tasty body toppings to wet your appetite.

Finally, start slow.  Take it in steps.  Start with tying only one hand and do so loosly where you can get out if you want to.  From there, decide if you want to be more restricted with tighter ties or try other body parts tied-up.  You can negotiate and discuss boundaries and fantasies, and once you trust that your partner won’t do anything you aren’t up for, the  possibilities are unlimited!

Shop at The Goddess Boutique for all your frisky fun needs. 

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Trouble Achieving an Orgasm With Your Partner?

 Ask The Goddess, Sensuality & Sexuality  No Responses »
May 262009
 

Q:  Why is it so Difficult to Achieve an Orgasm With a Partner? ~Ohhh Not Again in Portland, OR

A: This is a great question! I don’t know specifics about you or your partner, so I will answer this question with some general issues by age. Because these are generalizations you will likely find useful information through out the article.

20’s:

This is a time of exploration. Many of us start to learn about our own sexuality and how our body responds to different types of stimulation. It’s common to feel unsure about what you’ll enjoy; to feel inhibited, or to lack confidence in your abilities to please a partner. Here are some other things to consider. If you are using a hormone type of birth control, ask your doctor how it may affect your desire and arousal. Premature ejaculation (PE) in a male partner may also make it difficult for a woman to achieve an orgasm. Many factors can cause PE and can affect a man at any age. More about that in a moment.

When with a partner, it can be difficult to share how you’d like to be stimulated or whether you’d like to use a toy. Educate yourself and explore! Locate your G-spot and learn how to pleasure yourself both clitoral and vaginally. There are many wonderful books available. ToyGasms and Tickle Your Fancy by Sadie Allison are fun and informative books to read. Another great book to add to your collection is The Guide to Getting It On, 6th Edition. If your partner struggles with PE, a cock ring is a wonderful addition. Cock rings not only help delay him, it can also help him achieve a stronger orgasm. The best of both worlds. Many men who don’t deal with PE enjoy cock rings for this reason.

Start practicing your sexy pillow talk and let your partner know what feels good. We can all use a road map. Make every journey a new adventure, and have fun with it! Moans and Mmms are a great way to start your partner down the right path. Continue with your body language and guide your lover with your hands. Work up to talking dirty, suggesting your ideas for pleasure. Finish off with the finale of your choice.

30’s:

For many, we are developing our careers, working long hours, and taking care of a family. We are creating, building, and achieving. Our sex life may have the tendency to take a backseat because we are “too busy” or “not in the mood”. Does this sound familiar? Are your thoughts and mind chatter getting in the way of you reaching an orgasm? If so, keep reading. If you have had children, childbirth can decrease the tone and sensitivity during intercourse. Get out those Ben Wa balls and tone your way to multiple orgasms!

The Shunga Secret Garden is a must have product. It will help with relaxation and will help get your mind refocused onto your play activities. Creating a sensual, relaxing environment is key for the bedroom. Keep any work or mind stimulating material out of this space. Remove the TV, computer, and books other then erotica. Bring in some soft, sensual fabrics, candles, soothing music and the Silky Sheets spray to enhance the mood! For some inspiring ideas check out Goddess at Home: Divine Interiors. Make sure to create the space and time to get enough foreplay. Sometimes we expect our bodies to respond faster then biologically possible. Identify what your needs are and go ahead and give that to yourself. It’s important to listen to your body and honor it.

40’s:

Are you now an empty nester? Take this time to reestablish your self identity. You are in a different stage in your life, your desires and wants may have changed. You may have questions arise about your relationship. Arguments, divorce, and feeling disconnected from yourself can cause for difficulty in achieving an orgasm. You can either embrace the change and see the limitless possibilities or you can limit yourself and get stuck in the fear of change. You get to decide.

Work on improving your communication both inside and outside of the bedroom. Reacquaint yourself with your partner and reassess your relationship wants and needs. Do you want a little spice; give yourself permission to try something new! Consider if you are getting enough clitoral stimulation during penetration. Research shows 85% of women need clitoral stimulation during intercourse to achieve an orgasm.

50’s:

Peri/Post Menopause time. Intercourse may be painful, lubrication, desire and arousal may have decreased. Biologically the vaginal membranes are thinning, possibly making intercourse very painful, and feeling rough like sandpaper. Having painful intercourse with a partner is going to create a negative cycle and the body will learn to pair intercourse with pain. Sex drive will decrease as a result. Hormonal shifts can also decrease lubrication, sensitivity and how the body responds to stimulation.

Check any medications both over the counter and prescription. Cold medications can cause a decrease in personal lubrication and other medications can inhibit the desire, arousal, or orgasm. Lube, lube and even more lube is key! The Jo Water based lube for Women is absolutely wonderful. A good quality lubricant is important at every age; however it is vital to use to protect the delicate tissue as a woman’s body changes both Peri- and Post-Menopausally.

60’s+:

Possible death of long-term partner, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and low desire are some of the causes of orgasm difficulty. We come full circle and again a cock ring is great for penile support. If you are choosing to remain single, stock up your toy box! A healthy sex life is an important aspect to having a healthy life. Not only is sex a form of exercise, it also helps to maintain muscular tone preventing a weak bladder, as well as help release stress and tension.

So keep doing those Kegel exercises and get your juices flowing. Try out a few of these suggestions and check back next month.  Go shopping now at The Goddess Boutique to find everything you need to stimulate those orgasms!

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

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