Question: Am I Avoiding Something?

 Ask The Goddess, Relationships, Self Care & Life Balance, Sensuality & Sexuality  No Responses »
Dec 202008
 

Here’s a question I recently received from a Goddess Girlfriend

Why do I feel like I need to go shopping and buy new things constantly? And why do I feel like I’m avoiding something?

Spending money is a social norm that provides pleasure and instant gratification. Shopping can and has become a distraction from experiencing feelings for many.

First, consider if there is something in your life that you are avoiding?

A good majority of people avoid feeling their feelings. Common feelings that people try to avoid are anxiety, fear and feeling vulnerable.

Do any of these resonate for you?

Are you avoiding talking with someone that you need to be communicating with?

Is there something in your life you need to be letting go of, such as an old relationship or job?

Are you currently dating or in a deepening relationship?

This avoidance can also stem from fear of intimacy or opening yourself up, allowing someone into your emotional space.

There are other ways people avoid feeling something uncomfortable. Some of those include:

  • Using excessive alcohol or drugs
  • Emotional eating (usually sugary or salty high fat and/or carb foods)
  • Keeping themselves busy
  • Watching a lot of television
  • Doing anything in excess

When we participate in one of these activities we distract ourself from feeling our feelings.

The short term affect of feeling relief may feel good.

The long term affect is that the feeling or issue we avoid gets bigger. We may not be aware of it in the moment, but something will trigger an emotional response in the future, causing us to over react to the situation. Most of us have experience with this.

Back to the shopping – you can probably start to see how it could easily be something that pushes those uncomfortable feelings away. Since you said you were shopping quite a bit, this leads me to believe that something uncomfortable for you is coming up.

By regularly trying to feel good through an external source, a negative cycle is created. Initially what you purchase may give you a positive feeling, however if this has become a pattern for you, the item becomes another possession, rather than provide a sustained positive result.

So how do you deal with the feelings you’re avoiding?

Journaling is a very beneficial tool to use to give your thoughts and feelings acknowledgment.  If you don’t acknowledge what’s coming up it will start eating at you.  It’s like a shadow.  It can appear larger then it really is until you look at it.  It takes a tremendous amount of energy to avoid something then to face it.  I’m not saying this is always easy, it’s just very draining.  If you have a trustworthy and objective Goddess Girlfriend try talking it over with them.  However, if you find this process challenging I can help support you through the process.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Love Question: I’m Going on Dates, But Who Pays?

 Ask The Goddess, Relationships  1 Response »
Dec 162008
 

Here’s a Question from a Goddess Girlfriend

I am new to dating and am wondering how to handle the “who pays” issue. Is this something one should assume each pays their own or should the issue be brought up.  On a recent first date the guy had made a point that he was a traditional old fashioned guy who wants to take the lead most of the time.  Does this mean he wants to do the inviting and then paying.  On our first date we met for coffee.  Since we arrived at different times we each paid for our own coffee.  Midway  through our conversation he asked me if I was hungry, I told him I hadn’t planned for that but had time.  We had sushi and he picked up the checked.  At the cashiers I started to get out my money but he ignored me.  As we left I thanked him for lunch and asked him what I owed him.  He said no, he asked me to lunch, so he would pay.  I think I should just ask him what his expectations are but don’t want to appear too agressive or pushy.  What do you think?

I’m glad you asked as this is a common dating question.  I think it’s great that the guy you’re dating has actually given you some clues as to his preferences, because many times it’s more of a guessing game.  It’s interesting that he had arrived earlier and purchased his own coffee.  In this case it was perfect for you to buy your own.  It seems he wanted to assess if there was a connection for him first before he took the date any further.

At that point he decided he was interested enough and wanted to continue to get to know you more.  He took the lead and invited you for a meal.  This is always an exciting time on that first meeting as you now know they are enjoying themselves and the date is going well.

As a general rule of thumb, good dating etiquette is to offer to pay for your own way.  By what you said, you can be safe going by what he told you.  He said, that he asked you to lunch, so he would pay.  He also said he liked taking the lead most of the time.  This means he is a more traditional man who wants to do the asking and will do the paying.  Just listen for cues that lets you know when he’s ready for you to make plans and pay.  It won’t likely be very often.

I find that older gentlemen typically are more traditional in dating; while younger men, 30′s and younger tend to be less traditional.  For those of you dating younger men, don’t be surprised if he wants or expects you to go dutch.  Generally though, whoever does the asking, does the paying.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Love Question: Is he Interested?

 Ask The Goddess, Relationships  No Responses »
Dec 152008
 

Here’s a Question from a Goddess Girlfriend

I recently went out on a first date.  We met for coffee and enjoyed 2 hours together.  I don’t want to appear pushy or too aggressive but want to continue to explore this relationship with this guy.  How do I know if he is still interested?  Should I flirt more even though I want wait on sex until we get to know each other and build a friendship foundation.  I am mostly inexperienced at dating and haven’t been “in the market” for a long time. Any advice?  Thanks!

First off, Congrats on going on a first date!

Having a 2 hour date is definitely a positive sign.  There are some signs you can watch for that will help you know if he is interested.  For future dates you can watch for body language and verbal cues.  I know you already went on the date but in retrospect, did he ask you a lot of questions about yourself and what you like?  How was his eye contact?  How did the date end?

Flirting is great!  There are ways to show you are interested without overdoing it.  You can touch your hair or tuck it behind your ear, touch his hand or shoulder momentarily while talking, make eye contact, laugh, smile and enjoy yourself.  It’s important to be yourself.  Keep in mind though not to over share or be overly exuberant.  If you appear overly excited you can come across as needy.  Appearing needy is not attractive.

Ultimately if he is interested he will pursue you.  It’s important for women to allow men to be men, especially during the initial dating process.  Think of it as a partner dance.  The man leads and the woman follows.  Once a relationship is established things typically balance out.  If at the end of the date he doesn’t ask for your phone number, ask you for another date or say something about seeing you again he probably didn’t have a romantic connection.  If on the other hand he does, this is another positive sign he’s interested.  However if he doesn’t call or email making a second date within 3 or 4 days, he’s likely not interested.  Bottom line, action speaks louder then words.  If he is not taking the action you’re hoping for, keep looking.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

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