What Happened to Your Great Relationship?

Relationships, Sensuality & Sexuality No Responses »
Feb 262010

A common question I hear from clients is how do I get my partner to be more attentive.

Ultimately men and women have the same wants and desires from their partner.

We all want to feel special, desired, and accepted.

After a relationship has become established and the new excitement wears off, we tend to get into a rut and become less attentive towards our partner. It’s to be expected that the newness will wear off. It happens to the best of us. We are over stressed, over worked and we stop putting our relationship and partner as a top priority. It’s certainly easier to succumb to the daily stressors and the exhaustion then to give your partner loving attention and intimacy.

In fact, you frequently hear men talking about how they feel nagged all the time by their wife or girlfriend. Nagging is focusing on the negative and verbalizing it in a judgmental way. The person who nags is looking for their partner to do something different which will make them feel good. With nagging, you will actually get the opposite of what you desire. The natural response is a defensive reaction. You will feel it as resistance from your partner. No one likes to be told to do something.

We all would like our partner to show us that they care.

Many times we wait for them to take the initiative and do nice things to make us feel desired, special, and appreciated before we return the favor. This creates a potentially destructive and vicious cycle that can eventually lead to built up resentments.

If not tended to, this destructive pattern can eventually lead to emotional and/or physical infidelities.

Frequently affairs are initiated by men and women who no longer feel desired or appreciated by their partner. A man needs to feel successful in his relationship. This includes mentally, emotionally and sexually. He wants to feel desired and know that he makes you happy.

Women on the other hand want to feel loved and appreciated. When infidelity occurs; instead of turning to their partner and dealing with the challenges; the unfaithful partner looks to someone who will make them feel special.

An affair offers strong validation and reinforcement through feelings of success and desirability for the unfaithful partner. This is what makes having and continuing an affair so enticing.

The good news is that it only takes one of you to have a significant impact on this destructive cycle.

The work of a successful and fulfilling relationship is continuing to create that excitement you shared in the beginning with your partner. When you first met your partner you probably found yourself having all the energy in the world to spend time getting to know them, trying new things and having some frisky fun. That excitement will return if you are willing to do the work.

If your relationship doesn’t feel the way you want it to, ask yourself if you think your partner feels successful and appreciated? If not, identify one small thing you can do to start creating a more positive experience for your partner.

Be the partner you want your partner to become.

Focus on changing your own thoughts and behaviors. Start noticing your partner’s positives.

Appreciate your partner, even if you have to start very small. Once positively reinforced by your recognition, he or she will want to reciprocate more to make you happy. This will help turn that cycle around.

Finally, don’t rely on your partner to make you feel good.

Do things to nurture yourself. The Goddess Next Door recognizes that there is a Goddess in every woman. It’s important as women to reconnect with our feminine side. Enjoy nurturing yourself like the Goddess you are.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

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The Love Drug, Dose 3

Relationships No Responses »
Feb 022010

Have you been rejected in love and can’t seem to let go?

What happens when a relationship ends or in circumstances where the attraction is not mutual?

These were the questions Helen Fisher, Ph.D. wanted to answer during her research for her book Why We Love.

Long believing the opposite of love was indifference, Fisher began to suspect that love and hate might be intricately connected in the human brain. In her studies, she found there are two general phases to romantic rejection:

Stage 1: Protest

During the protest phase, the deserted lover obsessively tries harder to win their love back.

They are overcome by feelings of longing and thinking about the past they once had. They focus almost all of their time, energy and attention to their departing mate. They fight to reunite with their partner and everything reminds them of their lover. They become increasingly persistent and dramatic to reconnect through phone calls, emails, visiting hangouts or any way possible. They can’t sleep and may lose weight. As adversity intensifies, so does the romantic passion.

Another reaction that occurs is called frustration attraction.

This is when an expected reward is delayed in coming, dopamine increases significantly – associated with intense motivation and goal directed behaviors, as well as anxiety and fear.

“Stress hormones” are also released. As the object of affection parts, the chemicals that attributed to the initial feelings of romance grow even stronger, intensifying passion, fear and anxiety, driving one to capture the departing loved one.

Stage 2: Resignation and Despair.

During the Resignation stage, there is a realization that the loved one is gone forever. Exhaustion sets in.

Feelings of hopelessness and sorrow may arise. The rejected lover hardly works or eats.

Men and women handle this sadness differently. Men are three to four times more likely than women to commit suicide after a relationship has ended. Women tend to sob, lose weight, sleep too much or not at all, lose concentration, have memory problems and barely can manage life’s basic tasks.

How do you let go?

First, you have to remove absolutely everything that can be tied to the departed. Anything that has a link to them will cause a flood in chemicals prompting you to try to rekindle what was lost.

Meditate, stay busy, get exercise, and seek professional help. Finally, recognize it will take time so be loving and gentle with yourself.

You are worthy of the best. As long as you let go of what no longer works, you will attract in someone who is a better partner for you.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Posted by The Goddess Next Door Tagged with:

Tied Up & Blindfolded

Ask The Goddess, Relationships, Sensuality & Sexuality 1 Response »
Jan 262010

Q. My boyfriend wants to tie me up and blindfold me but isn’t that kinky? ~Jen B.

A. Sure some consider this to be kinky, but what’s wrong with kinky?  My theory is if you enjoy it and no one is being forced into anything they don’t want to do, then go for it.  There are a lot of things that people consider kinky until they try them and realize it was more the fear of the unknown.  If you do some research, you’ll learn that being tied up and blindfolded by your partner is mild on the BDSM continuum.  The most important factor is that you and your partner have developed a level of trust where you feel comfortable giving up some control.  Without trust, you are not likely to have a pleasurable experience.  If my partner wouldn’t let me do the same thing to him, I would give some hesitation before saying yes.

So with that said, there are fantastic reasons to play with restraints and blindfolds.  First off, when you are restricted from using your body, all focus becomes about your pleasure in the moment.  It puts you in a position to simply receive whatever your partner offers.  This can be playful tickling with a feather, a sensual massage, a naughty little spanking, or oral pleasure from head to toe.  When one gives up control and can relax into the experience, pleasure becomes more of a full body experience.

Using a blindfold in lovemaking play involves a high level of  trust.  By removing the sense of sight, the sensitivity of your other senses, smell, taste, touch, and hearing, will increase and become more acute.  When you aren’t able to see what will happen next, your anticipation increases and as you begin to use those other senses, your sensitivity and the pleasure you receive becomes amplified.  Touch especially will become much more errogenous.  How fun is that!  Another benefit with any type of play where you let go of control is it can strengthen your relationship and deepen both intimacy and trust between you and  your partner.  What an amazing gift to give yourself.

Before you begin, create a safe word with your partner that either of you can say to stop the play activity.  The word means everyone has to stop what they are doing.  This is a general rule with BDSM activities because sometimes in role playing and fantasy, participants may be acting out, resisting a partner.  The fantasy acting can include words like NO and Stop, which is why it is important to make the safe word something out of the ordinary and non-sexual.  Words like blueberry, car, or green are easy safe words.  They may sound silly now, but will be very clear in the moment if anyone is feeling uncomfortable about anything and wants to stop.

What do you use to tie each other up?  Use your imagination. Do you have any nylons or stockings? Does he have any business ties? Pick up yourself  some fun furry cuffs and satin blindfolds. Consider getting yourself some playful accessories and attire to make your partner squirm and squeal with delight.  In our online shop, you will find tickling feathers, delicious smelling massage products and even tasty body toppings to wet your appetite.

Finally, start slow.  Take it in steps.  Start with tying only one hand and do so loosly where you can get out if you want to.  From there, decide if you want to be more restricted with tighter ties or try other body parts tied-up.  You can negotiate and discuss boundaries and fantasies, and once you trust that your partner won’t do anything you aren’t up for, the  possibilities are unlimited!

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

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